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My surgery is set for Thursday, May 18th. I know that this surgery is done every day in just about every hospital across the U.S. I know women who've had this surgery and pulled through just fine. But I'm scared.
I really don't like being afraid. I used to describe myself as a Phobophobic--afraid of being afraid. I always think fear is a paralyzing factor for me and it prevents me from moving forward. And it's not easy to frighten me. Physically I don't really get fearful at horror films or scary stories. Most things that frighten others are nothing to me. I'm not afraid of death, not really.
Yet, that's what I'm afraid will happen. I could die. Of course, the cancer is killing me anyway, even if it is oh-so-slow, so either way I have to have surgery.
I'm afraid of dying because I don't want to leave my husband. Not only will he be pretty much alone, he's young enough--26--that he's facing a very long time before he'd join me.
In many ways, I wish we knew more about how long it takes a soul to be reincarnated back here on Earth. If I had that information, I would wait to be born till he was ready to follow, or, perhaps, go ahead of me this time. I think my mind would rest a bit easier.
As it is, I will lay this all in the lap of the gods. What more can I do?
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